I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
