I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
