I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
im holly from the hills drunk
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
