he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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