Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
