Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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