My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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