At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
