Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You ate ashes out of my bong
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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