Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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