god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
