chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
