Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
