and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
