She is in my trunk
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
