If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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