Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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