Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
