guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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