I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
