i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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