took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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