The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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