Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
