i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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