I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
