Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
