How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
