Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
just found out that she named her cat after me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
