Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
