I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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