My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Randomize
