Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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