yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
