trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
