we're blogging at a bar
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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