Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
