I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize