Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
