My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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