Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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