Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
