Christians are straight up FREAKS
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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