I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
