I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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