dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
