There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
