3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
