Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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