mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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