I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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