I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
