Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
