she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
