guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
