new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He felt like a one man threesome
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
