She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
